"If you don't ask, the answer is always NO." -Nora Roberts.
Hello my lovely BEe's, it's been about three weeks since my last post. If you didn't check it out, I highly suggest you do (it's one of our top posts!). We talk about the inevitable up's and downs of life and learning to accept whatever is thrown at you. You can read it here!
Today's Topics: Friendships, making new friends, equal friendships/relationships, growing with or out of current friendships
Today's post will begin with a story of my current friendships and how I am working to combat the hardships and retain/gain friends. I always find myself on the outskirts of social circles. I'm not alone, yet it can feel lonely. I have friends but those friends have groups that I am not in and this often has lead me not getting invited places.
As a someone who takes online college classes, friendship has only gotten harder for me. I currently have a few friends from middle and high school but they all have busy lives at new places and states with new people. When they are home, they have friend groups they want to catch up with that I have never been apart of, so I am simply not the first person on their mind.
(Before I continue, I would like to say, I do not say this as to have a pity party for myself, but instead to share my experiences as I am sure I am not alone in them. Nor, do I say this as to any hate to my friends, but instead as an understanding.)
Before I was online, I still saw people at school and sports, so it wasn't a big deal never getting invited places, but with the switch to online, it became really difficult as I was not seeing anyone. Instead, I spent all my time alone or with family, doing school work, reading, swimming, yoga, ect... I became extremely acquainted with alone time and learned to love it just as much, however, I still missed the social interactions.
A few months ago, I recalled a lesson I was taught in my junior year of high school about making NEW friends.
THIS IS AN EXAMPLE TO EXPLAIN IT: Josie says she feels awkward asking Lucy if she would like to get ice cream with her because they never have hung out outside of school. Instead of Josie telling herself that Lucy will think she is weird, she asks herself, "If Lucy asked me to get ice cream, how would I react?" She says she would feel excited, so there is a chance that Lucy will too and that means, Josie should ask Lucy.
While the story is cheesy, the basic concept is, if you would be happy/excited about it, they might be too.
With this lesson in mind, I applied it to my current friendships. I was upset that no one reached out to me, so it's likely they were upset I hadn't reached out to them. AND, I would have been over the moon if someone had reached out to me, so they might be happy about it too. I wouldn't know unless I asked.
Current Day
So that's what I did. I begun asking people to hang out. Yeah, I did have people say they were busy and couldn't hang out. I even had a time where we made plans and then they never showed...which yeah, that sucks. You might be saying, you need new friends and in some cases I might agree with you, but I would like to remind you, I hadn't been a good friend either. I had stopped talking to all but one person and basically disappeared from their lives once I switched to online school. So I'll take part of the fall.
However, I DID have multiple people say YES! And how excited they were to hear from me!
Now, have these few hang outs lead to a totally rekindled old friendship? Not really or not yet at least, but we are older and just like ourselves, our relationships will change. Instead, we have found new topics that we can converse about, gone to new places, tried new food, and went on new hikes.
This has forced me to become the initiator of my friendships.
There are a few ways to look at this. We could see it from a negative point of view: I will always feel that I am more invested in the relationship or if I don't suggest we hang out, then we never would. OR a positive way: I get to see friends and begin regrowing relationships, I am forced to face my fear of rejection every time I ask someone to hang out which is building a new strength, and I don't feel as lonely.
Life rewards initiators.
Future
Now, my situation I have, is not my ideal by any means. I hope to one day have friendships where we both are initiators. Where we both feel comfortable enough to reach out without fear of embarrassment or abandonment.
But, I know that I am growing. And by stepping into this role of initator, I am one step closer to gaining my ideal friendships. Maybe it is within those I have currently, or maybe I will begin initiating outside of those current friendships and start building new relationships with new people.
A farewell statement and reminder to you all:
I would be lying if I said being the initiator isn't upsetting at times, because it is. Just a few days ago, I was in the car expressing to my mom how hard it is having to initiate every friendship and how sometimes it makes me feel unwanted, or unequal within the relationship. And funny enough, she said she feels the same in her friendships. Hearing her say that, made me realize I am not alone in this. Being the initiator is not a bad thing, life REWARDS those with initiative. I could choose to be miserable and alone at home... or I could put my neck on the line for my own happiness, and reach out to people.
So, I share this story of my friendships as a reminder to you all.
If you read this post and thought, "I am totally the initiator and relate to this on a whole other level." I'd like to be the one to tell you, you're not alone and being the initiator, while it has hardships, is not always a bad thing. It's a role we have taken on in friendships, wether intentionally or not. And, with this role, you are more likely to experience many new friendships and experiences, if you only ask. Remember that life rewards those with the initiative.
If you have read this post and realized, "I need to be an initiator..." Then from an initiator herself, please DO IT!!! Don't be afraid! If you would be excited about being asked or you ARE excited when someone asks you, then chances are, THEY WILL BE TOO! Wether you are saying this as someone who struggles with friendships or you're someone who realized your friends are the ones asking to hang out, aka the initiators themselves, try it out a few times. It might fail the first few times (don't give up!), but it might succeed! You will never know unless you try.
I love you all my little BEe's,
Brooklyn Dieterle.
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